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I TELL YOU WHAT TO WATCH! Rob Zombie's "HALLOWEEN" (or HOUSE OF 1000 SPECIAL GUEST STARS) Edition!

So Rob Zombie's "HALLOWEEN" is finally upon us and it looks like Halloween came early this year! TOO EARLY! 'Cause it's only September. Maybe Christmas will come late this year...I hope not...that'd be sad. While Rob Zombie's "HALLOWEEN" sucks, it's not as sucky as you've heard. The first three-quarters of the film, which has us sympathize with young, psychotic Michael Myers, are more interesting. But, when we finally get around to the 're imagining' of John Carpenter's HALLOWEEN we're not supposed to sympathize with anyone...I guess. Unless we're supposed to sympathize with all those naked boob-girls...it was hard to tell. If you're a super-fan of the original, you'll hate this movie. If not, you probably won't think it's totally stinky. Happily, the movie is jam-packed with the seemingly endless parade of character actors. It's pretty much the entire DEVIL'S REJECTS cast, plus whoever else wasn't busy and whose phone was on. But, even this saving grace is put into overkill. There's actually a scene in this movie where MALCOLM MCDOWELL (CLOCKWORK ORANGE, IF, STAR TREK: GENERATIONS) is talking to CLINT HOWARD (Ron Howard's creepy-looking brother) about how crazy Michael Myers is, and suddenly UDO KEIR (has played and might actually be a Dracula) walks into the shot, as if by accident, and says one line. I'm all for character actors working, but, this is like a joke: "So Malcolm McDowell, Clint Howard and Udo Keir walk into a bar...and creep everyone out...and maybe eat some people...sorry, I forgot the punchline..." C'mon Mr. Zombie cut us some slack. Give us some room to breathe between weird-lookin' dudes. Okay? Just a request. Thanks. Moving on. Anyway, I'm gonna' tell you what to watch starring this great cross-section of weirdo actors, here goes... Check out Michael Myer's step-dad WILLIAM FORSTYTHE as a drug-crazed psychopath in the awesome (that's right, AWESOME!) Steven Segal flick, OUT FOR JUSTICE! And he was Flat-Top in DICK TRACY! And don't forget KEN FOREE, who here plays a doomed, shitting trucker, and is the man in the original DAWN OF THE DEAD as well as in KNIGHTRIDERS, an overlooked George Romero gem about Renaissance fair motorcycle jousting! CLINT HOWARD gives his all as the titular character, a killer ice-cream man, in...THE ICE CREAM MAN! Playing a cop in "HALLOWEEN" comes easy to LESLIE EASTERBROOK, since she had seven tours as tough-as-nails, but sexy as...um...a nail gun, Lt. Callahan, in the POLICE ACADEMY series. DEE WALLACE plays a mom here, and in E.T., and in CRITTERS, but not in Joe Dante's THE HOWLING, and she's briefly in the surprisingly fun sasquatch movie ABOMINABLE. MICKEY DOLENZ sells Dr. Loomis a gun. He was in THE MONKEES. They were a band. And a TV show. DANNY TREJO plays hospital janitor Edward James Olmos in Mr. Zombie's movie. While we wait for Robert Rodriguez to make MACHETE, watch him be a mean-lookin' badass in ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO and DESPERADO. "HALLOWEEN's" sheriff BRAD DOURIF is DEADWOOD's doctor and the voice of Chucky in the CHILD'S PLAY movies. Watch SID HAIG be creepy in Jack Hill's bizarre SPIDERBABY. And watch him be a different kind of creepy in the Pam Grier blaxploitation classics COFFY, FOXY BROWN, and the women in prison flick THE BIG BIRD CAGE! Also, SYBILL DANNING plays a nurse who gets murdered with a fork, and the boy kid from SPY KIDS is in it. And BILL MOSELEY, Chop-top in TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE PART 2, is apparently in it, too. There's a lot more, but you get the idea, and this post is already long enough. Watch all of these movies! You're life will be better for it. Thank you. Goodbye.

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