Good Cops: Bad Boys II (Malaysia: English title)

The other night, while pretty bored and, shall we say, under the influence, I decided to make good on a recent threat to liveblog a viewing of Michael Bay's masterwork Bad Boys II. It's crucial to note that when I use the word "masterwork", I assure you I do so with as little irony as possible and with absolutely zero cynicism. I unabashedly adore this movie, even while I am aware of its more reprehensible qualities. As a fan of action films, I think it's completely thrilling. As a fan of bad taste, I find the same is true. This is not a case for or against Bad Boys II or Bay, merely a case for my own perverse and nerdy pleasure. What follows was originally posted on Facebook, but is reproduced here, with a couple additional comments, edited for some swears, and with the relevant YouTube links added. 8:55 PM -- Bad Boys II starts now 9:03 PM -- Michael Bay's directing credit appears over a shot of a klansman setting a giant cross alight. 9:07 PM -- The bullet goes super slo-mo through a bunch of jars, Martin's ass, and then a klan dude's neck. Martin and Will argue about it in front of the giant flaming cross! 9:26 PM -- Bay's dog, Mason, just destroyed Martin's 3900$ pool. Will: "Yo, dry off, sweeheart! Icepick says the Hatian Zopehounds (ed: ?) 'bout to do a rip, let's move!" 9:33 PM -- For those curious, according to Will: "Zopehound a bunch of pirates, man. Steal anything." 9:40 PM -- Car chase followed by shootout followed by car chase. In the same scene. 9:58 PM -- What ya gonna do?! 10:16 pm -- Ah, the infamous electronics store gay panic masterpiece. Very NSFW! 10:28 PM -- Martin on rats: "They f@$k just like us!" Possibly NSFW? 10:41 PM -- Back to back cameos by Bay and Dan Marino. Like within 15 seconds of eachother. 11:00 PM -- People really hated this dead body depth charge scene (ed: can't find the clip but the bad guys are tossing corpses into traffic during a car chase). I always thought it was funnier that there was a white supremacist in the trunk (played by future Oscar nominee Michael Shannon). Nice Pepsi truck product placement though. 11:09 PM -- I love this movie more than, well...anyone. But this scene, where Will Smith, like the biggest movie star in the world right now, pulls a gun on a 15-year-old boy, repeatedly calls him the n-word, and threatens to rape him is one of the more offensive things I've ever seen. (Extremely NSFW, even though there are no boobs.) On the other hand: "We ride together, we die together...Bad Boys for life." 11:25 PM -- Forgot about this weird Martin does E scene. Smells like a thin ploy to cover up a bayload of expository nonsense before we can move on to liquifying Peter Stormare and kidnapping Gabrielle Union. Cue Cuba. 11:37 PM -- FBI Badass: "We don't know you. You look like you're about to do something stupid. We're in." DEA Badass: "They ever tell you just how f%#kin' crazy us ex-Delta guys are?" Minor Latino Cop character: "My brother, Tito, lives in Koo-Ba. He's...a little crazy, but he's hooked up with the underground." Every writer ever, eat your heart out. 11:47 pm -- Totally forgot about the scene where the evil drug dealer loudly dismisses a portrait of himself as Jesus Christ at the Last Supper as "f$@king depressing". 11:58 PM (ed: started watching at 9...typing takes time I guess?) -- Bad Boys utterly lay waste to Cuba. Spectacular. 12:02 AM -- When Bay did it they complained that it had the flimsy excuse that the victims of a Bad Boy Attack were "just drug dealers". Nobody seems to care that Jackie Chan did it to the merely poor. 12:16 AM -- Last stand: GITMO. Bad guy takes a bullet to the head before being exploded by land mines. That evening, Will wrecks Martin's pool again. Cue theme song from "COPS". You know how it goes...