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Good Cops: Bad Boys II (Malaysia: English title)

By matty ⋅ June 22, 2009 ⋅  Email This Post ⋅  Print This Post ⋅ Post a comment

The other night, while pretty bored and, shall we say, under the influence, I decided to make good on a recent threat to liveblog a viewing of Michael Bay’s masterwork Bad Boys II. It’s crucial to note that when I use the word “masterwork”, I assure you I do so with as little irony as possible and with absolutely zero cynicism. I unabashedly adore this movie, even while I am aware of its more reprehensible qualities. As a fan of action films, I think it’s completely thrilling. As a fan of bad taste, I find the same is true. This is not a case for or against Bad Boys II or Bay, merely a case for my own perverse and nerdy pleasure.

What follows was originally posted on Facebook, but is reproduced here, with a couple additional comments, edited for some swears, and with the relevant YouTube links added.

8:55 PM — Bad Boys II starts now

9:03 PM — Michael Bay’s directing credit appears over a shot of a klansman setting a giant cross alight.

9:07 PM — The bullet goes super slo-mo through a bunch of jars, Martin’s ass, and then a klan dude’s neck. Martin and Will argue about it in front of the giant flaming cross!

9:26 PM — Bay’s dog, Mason, just destroyed Martin’s 3900$ pool. Will: “Yo, dry off, sweeheart! Icepick says the Hatian Zopehounds (ed: ?) ’bout to do a rip, let’s move!”

9:33 PM — For those curious, according to Will: “Zopehound a bunch of pirates, man. Steal anything.”

9:40 PM — Car chase followed by shootout followed by car chase. In the same scene.

9:58 PM — What ya gonna do?!

10:16 pm — Ah, the infamous electronics store gay panic masterpiece. Very NSFW!

10:28 PM — Martin on rats: “They f@$k just like us!” Possibly NSFW?

10:41 PM — Back to back cameos by Bay and Dan Marino. Like within 15 seconds of eachother.

11:00 PM — People really hated this dead body depth charge scene (ed: can’t find the clip but the bad guys are tossing corpses into traffic during a car chase). I always thought it was funnier that there was a white supremacist in the trunk (played by future Oscar nominee Michael Shannon). Nice Pepsi truck product placement though.

11:09 PM — I love this movie more than, well…anyone. But this scene, where Will Smith, like the biggest movie star in the world right now, pulls a gun on a 15-year-old boy, repeatedly calls him the n-word, and threatens to rape him is one of the more offensive things I’ve ever seen. (Extremely NSFW, even though there are no boobs.) On the other hand: “We ride together, we die together…Bad Boys for life.”

11:25 PM — Forgot about this weird Martin does E scene. Smells like a thin ploy to cover up a bayload of expository nonsense before we can move on to liquifying Peter Stormare and kidnapping Gabrielle Union. Cue Cuba.

11:37 PM –

FBI Badass: “We don’t know you. You look like you’re about to do something stupid. We’re in.”

DEA Badass: “They ever tell you just how f%#kin’ crazy us ex-Delta guys are?”

Minor Latino Cop character: “My brother, Tito, lives in Koo-Ba. He’s…a little crazy, but he’s hooked up with the underground.”

Every writer ever, eat your heart out.

11:47 pm — Totally forgot about the scene where the evil drug dealer loudly dismisses a portrait of himself as Jesus Christ at the Last Supper as “f$@king depressing”.

11:58 PM (ed: started watching at 9…typing takes time I guess?) — Bad Boys utterly lay waste to Cuba. Spectacular.

12:02 AM — When Bay did it they complained that it had the flimsy excuse that the victims of a Bad Boy Attack were “just drug dealers”. Nobody seems to care that Jackie Chan did it to the merely poor.

12:16 AM — Last stand: GITMO. Bad guy takes a bullet to the head before being exploded by land mines. That evening, Will wrecks Martin’s pool again. Cue theme song from “COPS”. You know how it goes…

Tags: Michael Bay